Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hm... a question for all of you moms out there!

Okay, I am not sure why this is, and I want to ask you all out there. So I was terrified of becoming a mother (see old blog threads :)). I put it off and put it off, and finally gave in to David. Anyhow, after J was born the first few weeks were hard because he was colicky and sick with reflux, would not nurse, in the hospital, etc. But since about 3 or 4 weeks, things are so much easier, and I am really loving motherhood. So people ask me how it is, knowing how scared I was about becoming a mom. So I say "It is a lot easier than I thought. Maybe I was just stressing myself out, but I have a really great baby, and things are wonderful." And the response is very odd. Here is a list of them. Most of the other comments fall along these lines.
  • One friend said at J's 1 month party, "Well you have help. Just wait until your parents and in laws leave. Then you will see what real motherhood is like." In fact, I love it even more without them here. I like it being just J and me, chilling and hanging out. I work for 8 to 10 hours a day on MR mostly when David gets home. But sometimes it is just J and me in front of the computer. I nurse him while typing.
  • Another friend said, "You just wait until he stops sleeping so much. When he is 3 months old, it will be harder." He sleeps less now, but I love that he is so interactive. It is so wonderful to laugh with him, and watch him sit up (he sat up steadily for over 30 secs today, a great feat for a 4 months old).
  • Yet another said, "Oh, well he is easy now, but wait until you go back to work full time instead of working at home." That is probably true, but I work full time on MR now. Sure, it will be hard to balance J, MR and my day job, but I wish my friends were not so doom and gloom about it.
  • Or "Well, you have an easy baby. Just wait until you have a second one." Um, okay. I probably deserve this on some level, but still...
My question is, what is the point of these statements? I sometimes wonder if they want me to feel bad. Knowing how terrified I was to be a parent, I was hoping they would be encouraged that I was happy and found this less stressful than I expected. Parenthood is not a competition, but I feel like people are trying to say that I am wrong and some horrible thing is just around the corner. So to combat this (I was wondering if I did this) I am trying to be as encouraging as possible to potential parents. When I was pregnant, all I heard were horror stories about the delivery. Does scaring someone make them better off? Anyhow, I am just wondering why there is this sort of "you cannot do this" mentality. I know I cannot have it all, but why does everyone have to be so negative? Here is a cute photo of J and his cousin (my cousin's daugther). J was super grumpy this weekend since his reflux was terrible (he threw up 3 times on Saturday night before this photo). Remember to enter the Maya Road Design Team open call!!! We want to see your work... I cannot wait to review them all!!! Here is the link just in case you missed it. Best of luck!!!


Anonymous caren said...

Deborah - I'm sure you've heard the expression - misery loves company. People just like to complain or want to make you feel as though you don't deserve the happiness. My situation was much like yours and when I had my son I was on "overload". It took a few months for me to absotely fall in love with my little guy - but when I did - it was the best. Life is full of trials, which make it life, make us stronger and stretch our potential. Just smile and think how lucky you are. No comments needed!

11/07/2006 03:32:00 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...

Yeah, what Caren said. Sometimes I think us moms are on auto-pilot and things pop out of our mouths before we think. Know that what you and your DH think is all that is important. :D

11/07/2006 03:35:00 AM  
Blogger Shirley said...

Misery loves company, jealousy, etc. Motherhood was/is HARD. I didn't go in expecting an emergency c-section and thank goodness my parents were with me the first month cause I couldn't do a lot of what I normally would do for myself. Plus DH started traveling nonstop about 2 weeks after she got here. You forget about all the every 2 hours on the hour feedings, the colic, etc. once the baby and you get older and you start to want another one. I think that it's the nature of the beast. Personally I wanted to hear all the stories cause you only get the "good" stuff from all the books, etc. I wanted to hear about how you felt like the walking dead, I wanted to hear how other mothers were dealing with colic, I wanted to know in case I had to deal with it once I had Hayley. But that's just me. ;) You have a healthy happy baby and family - THAT'S what's important....

11/07/2006 04:23:00 AM  
Blogger Laura Vigliarolo said...

You're a good mother, I'm not saying your friends aren't just that you seem to choose to cherish the good times and even make the not so good , good. That's a good thing because they grow up so fast, and I bet you have another one reguardless of what you might have thought in the past, because looking at Jonathan wasn't he worht it all? and every pregnancy is different.

11/07/2006 06:35:00 AM  
Blogger Tina Chen said...

Hi Debra,
Late congrats! J is adorable, and I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying motherhood. I totally agree with you. Motherhood is not that hard. At least I think it's not as hard as some of the courses I had to take in college. Besides, you only get better at being a mom :)
Don't take too personally of what other people say.. Plenty of people made me feel miserable for being a working mom when I had Maddy. I took me a while to put aside all these negative comments. You CAN have at all, and you don't have to feel sorry about it.

11/07/2006 06:59:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Don't let others bother you with their opinions. I got that too with my son and it sometimes makes you question yourself. Just know that you know your baby more than anyone else. Somehow, a mom just knows what to do. Even during the tough times, your instinct will come into play. There will be times when you don't think so but just hang on. That baby will love you so much and you will create a very special bond. You'll just know what to do, in good times and bad. God bless you both!

11/07/2006 07:11:00 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

LOVE everyones comments...very inspirational! have a blessed day :)

11/07/2006 09:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Greta said...

Most people always feel the need to give advice to a new mom. Most mom's, for some reason, feel the need to share their experiences and sometimes that can be taken as a "one up you" type of thing. Ignore them all!! ha ha That's hard to do. You do what you and your hubby decide is best for your family 'cause isn't that what truly matters! My dd at 3 spent a year with reflux problems - everyone had advice and comments. Once I relized that I knew what was best for and why she was going through this, I knew to to shrug off their comments. I then was much happier. Motherhood is a learning and growing process in so many ways. Just KNOW that as long as you're a mom and until your child is 40 (?) you will ALWAYS have comments from others, good or bad. So chin up! I think you're doing just fine!!

11/07/2006 09:20:00 AM  
Blogger Julie Ann said...

Hugs to you. I'm not a mother yet. So just giving hugs!

11/07/2006 09:41:00 AM  
Blogger Tammy James said...

Oh My!
Who knows why people feel the need to try and terrify you and pull you into a negative mindset when you feel that you are coping well?
Enjoy enjoy enjoy and keep that beautiful attitude you have as babies grow so quickly we need to enjoy every single minute we have the opportunity to.
For the record my first baby was what people would call easy and or good, and my second child is a dream now 6 months old. : )

11/07/2006 01:07:00 PM  
Blogger amber daNeLL said...

I think for so many it's inherently implied that once you become a mother that you are donned "advice-giver." Does it make it right? No. Does it make all of us insecure mothers compare ourselves to every Mom out there and be that much more hard on ourselves? Yes. You have to do what's right for you and your family. Most Moms share their experience because they want someone to listen. Or they feel like they were not well-equipped prior to becoming blessed with a baby. So they feel like its their responsibility to tell other mothers "here's really how it is." There were so many things my mother never told me about motherhood. I think she blocked the bad stuff out. I nursed both of my kids and my youngest had acid reflux as well. So, I have to be really be careful not to come across as an expert on those issues or push my opinions on other mothers. God bless all those women out there who can take the unwanted advice thrust at them from every direction, take it in stride, and do what's right for them.

11/07/2006 01:31:00 PM  
Blogger Jessica S. said...

You are a wonderful mom and you have a sweet baby!! I know for a fact. :)
Enjoy every minute, because they grow up so fast!

11/07/2006 06:19:00 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

great photos!! rember every kid is dif and so is every mom and dad!! I think your friends are just telling you cause it something all mothers do sure sometimes can be easy! but some can be hard too! Everyone has different opinions and seems like everyone wants to share!! Just do what you think is right and be the best mom you can be and dont worry! The future brings change and thats ment to be so just take it a day at a time and don't worry! And everything will be great!

11/08/2006 08:38:00 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

you are blessed to be enjoying motherhood and all that comes with it. praise God for His blessings! i know my mom had fairly easy deliveries but didn't talk about them much b/c it seems like people w/the horror stories liked to talk more...

it's encouraging to me to see how much you are enjoying motherhood and i hope that it continues to get better each day!

11/08/2006 05:10:00 PM  
Anonymous tracy said...

You are cool.. thanks for making another {scared to be a mom-putting it off} girl feel a bit better. :)

11/08/2006 06:48:00 PM  
Blogger jonesephus said...

Ahh, the strange things people say. Babies are one of those topics that everyone feels they need to have an opinion on. LIke you, I think I expected the worst, so now that Erin is an "easy" baby, I am delighted (I am all about setting up low expectations so I can be pleasantly surprised!!!) I also think being a bit "older" as a mom, you have a little different perspective-- even the worst moments you know won't last forever. And you delight in all the small wonders - the amount of joy Erin smiling at me brings is immeasurable! Keep enjoying J!!!!!

11/09/2006 08:28:00 AM  
Blogger BeckyChabot said...

Some people just can't see the positive in a "not so perfect" situation. I agree, if my baby slept all the time that would be boring and not good for bonding and playtimes. Or if they are struggling, then you must have to too. just keep smiling and enjoy every second, it goes too fast.

11/09/2006 01:56:00 PM  

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